I was lost.....

I wandered around bumping into people, falling, hurting myself, and repeat. I was trying to find my way home. It was an arduous journey that took more than 10 years to complete. This was me trying to grow up and being lost was just part of the growing pains. For life after we left school is the life we could shape. All life before us was already shaped by our parents....or lack of them. I had huge dreams and I felt like I was going to make it all happen all at once. I applied to hundreds of jobs and got 0. I thought I fell in love but I did not. It was confusing. Everything I thought would happen for me did not. I was simply not ready for it. I finally had it figured. All the years of wondering why certain things did not happen made sense to me. I didn't take enough chances....I was not bold....I was not confident....All that time, I pretended that I was everything. It was an illusion I created for myself. I trapped myself in my own lies. The lies that I told myself that everything was ok....when in fact, the opposite was true. I couldn't face myself. I wasn't in terms with myself. I also punished myself. I denied myself. I shamed myself. I was so negative. What a dark past.

I am learning to love myself again...and that's the only way to find yourself....you listen to yourself....what does she want? What does she need? What does she like? All these things matter...